I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
