I accidentally had phone sex last night
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
