there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
