Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
