I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
