george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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