ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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