i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize