is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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