How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
