I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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