we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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