If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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