I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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