Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
