I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
