So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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