I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize