woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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