Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
pray to the hookup gods
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
