My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
