He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
