I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
