I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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