he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
