I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
