I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
