I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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