When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I will be naked everywhere
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
