dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
