She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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