At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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