i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She's the barista slut.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
