Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
