and she was petting her beer can
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
