so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I touched a dick in church today
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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