just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
