Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
