Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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