One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
