i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
