I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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