I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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