you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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