I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
