He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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