Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
