Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
