I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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