fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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