I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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