So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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