Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
