You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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