i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
