Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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