yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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