She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
