Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
