I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
