i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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