i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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