I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
